One week ago today, I had the privilege of being at the birth of a good friend. It is the only home birth that I have witnessed, besides my own, and it just really touched me. The mama was such a strong and powerful woman during her labor and her midwives remained totally in the background until they were needed. Baby was born into warm water, with his family around him, to dim lights and quiet voices. It was a special experience. I wanted to just write a few things down while they are fresh in my mind.
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Birth is best when we stop focusing on due dates. The pressure of going overdue in our society is HUGE. Before most women have reached their due date they are being hounded by friends and family to find out why that baby hasn't been born yet. Science has yet to discover why babies come when they do, and I think it is best to assume that there is a very good reason that baby chooses the day he is born. Any woman who has been pregnant knows all too well the physical and emotional discomfort that the last weeks of pregnancy can bring, so it very important to honor pregnant mothers with support and love, not questions and comments about how the baby is getting too big or that something must be wrong. Baby will come at just the right time if we allow him to.
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Birth is best when moms have choices. Choices about where to birth -- home or hospital, when to give birth -- no pressure of inductions, how to give birth and choices about who will be in attendance. Did you know that homebirth and even a birth attended by a midwife (in a hospital or birth center) is illegal in some states? This means that in this country women have more choices and options when it comes to terminating a pregnancy than they do when it comes to making choices about their maternity care and how/where they want to give birth? A woman should also have the choice, after making an informed decision, to give birth vaginally after having a c-section if that is her desire.
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Birth is best when we stop looking at the clock. One of the main differences you will notice if you get to witness a homebirth with awesome midwives, is that no one is going to stick their hand in a vagina and check dilation (even if you beg them to), unless there is a pretty good reason. Smart midwives understand that how far dilated someone is is not really an indication of much. We've all heard of that woman who walked around dilated to six centimeters for days before her baby was born, or the woman dilated from zero to 10 in the space of an hour and nearly had her baby in the car. Every labor is different, just as every baby is different. When we get stuck on the numbers it can be so disheartening to hear something that we didn't want to hear or give false hope when we still have hours of laboring ahead. The process of birth is a journey towards surrender, giving in to the process, letting our body just do its job as it is designed to do, without getting hung up on how you think it is supposed to happen.
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Birth is best when we center on the mother and honor her. Pregnant women are more than cute bumps and adorable maternity clothes and accessories. While it can be fun to open a million presents and play silly games about guessing which chocolate bar has been smeared in which diaper, an event that honors the pregnant mother, and her journey towards birth and motherhood are seriously lacking in our society. If you ever have the chance to attend (or better yet, plan or be the recipient of) a mother's blessing, I encourage you to do so. Gathering women together to send love and best wishes to the expectant mother is so special and deserved. I was very interested to learn recently that these types of events were very common during the early years of my own personal religious culture.
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Birth is best when we trust that mom (and dad) know best. I guess this is all the stuff that happens after the birth, all of the decisions that come when little baby is here. What baby will eat, where baby will sleep, shots, circumcision, discipline, etc. Everyone will have an opinion that they want to share, but it is important to remember that mom knows what is best for her child, and we don't want to do anything that will damper the natural instinct that she has to care for her children. I can be guilty of this, so I think it is a good reminder.
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I have a friend who told me that birth is like a wedding -- it should happen exactly how the mother (bride) wants it to. And this is so true...weddings take much preparation and planning, there is excitement and stress, we invite who we want to be there (no one would dream of crashing in on a wedding uninvited), we choose our location and attendant carefully, and through it all the bride is center stage, the one given the most consideration, the most honor. Birth can and should be the exact same way. Birth is best if it is.
